hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
