He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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