her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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