i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
being pregnant is like rehab
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
