I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
