**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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