Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
