Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
