sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
