I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
