Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
