Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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