please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
