I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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