I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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