Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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