She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
