i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
