It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
