It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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