my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
