i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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