Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
