They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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