Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
