Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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