Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
