No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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