Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
