What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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