I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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