3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
