Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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