I hate all girls vehemently.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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