never play flip cup with pint glasses
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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