I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
