it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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