Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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