My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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