Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize