My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
too bad you live with your parents still
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
