How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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