census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
