Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
