Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
