any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
