she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
