True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
