Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
