he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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