I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
