I wish they made helmets for livers.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
