Got a toothbrush?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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