u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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