Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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