she was so not down for the gang bang
i think my tv is drunk
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
