Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
