a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
