If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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