You really coming over, don't trick.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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