I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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