im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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