My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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