I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
