hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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